A good percentage of my email comes from men who fantasize about watching their mates wrestle.
For a man who is into watching women fight, this fantasizing is natural, logical and worthy of encouragement - after all, at its best, it represents a desire to involve the woman they love in the activity they fantasize about.
Of course, the problem is that, in a fantasy, the participants are fantasy figures. In life, they are real women with their own desires, taboos, fears, upbringing and fantasies... and the right to freely choose whether they want to share someone else's.
My gut reaction to the email questions is that everything depends on the quality, character and background of your relationship. I cannot offer generalized advice - that would be highly irresponsible.
But based on my own experience and that of many women I know, I can offer some general thoughts on the topic and that's what this page is about.
Let's say you're an avid female combat fan and you think the woman in your life might actually wrestle at some point. How do you broach the topic and encourage her to do it?
There are three rules in my book: honesty, sensitivity and support.
Of course, every relationship should be built on honesty. If yours is, read on. If it isn't, maybe it's time to start but this might not be the best way to break the cycle of deceit. If you routinely talk about your feelings, reactions, and problems, then I think your relationship can handle an exploration of this interest.
Couple of things up front and they may surprise you. Most of the women I have wrestled actually began doing it because their men were into it and many, if not most, of them continue to do it in part because it pleases him.
Doing things for each other is the essence of a relationship. It's what concretizes love. But no partner should ever be pressured to do something he or she doesn't feel comfortable doing and actually want to do. So the trick is to figure out where she stands on that issue and that's the second general point.
She knows!!! Listen carefully, sweetie. For the most part, if you have a solid relationship, your woman KNOWS or at the very least suspects. This is NOT something a man can easily hide from his woman - she has caught a glimpse of your materials or your tapes. She has seen your eyes when a fighting scene comes on the television. She has picked up a vibe when a fight between two women comes up in some conversation. She may not completely understand but she has an inkling... believe me, she does.
Additionally, she knows YOU and, even if she's turned off to the whole idea, she's smart enough to realize that this particular fantasy isn't the entire you. She deals with you intimately every day; you're a central part of her life. The fact that you get turned on by women fighting isn't going to change much of that in the long run, IF your relationship is a solid one.
lmost every friend I have with whom I've shared my wrestling (including lots who don't wrestle but know me well) react when I first tell them this way: "God, (husband's name) would just LOVE to see that!" LOL Are you kidding me...we KNOW, big guy, we know.
So the first step is to talk about it. Don't make it a ceremony. Wait until you're both relaxed and alone and bring up some incident you saw in real life or on television and tell her it really had an effect on you. If she expresses an interest in that, talk about your feelings. Don't to overboard. Be calm and reassuring but be as frank as you can.
In most cases, your woman will ask questions because much of this will be new to her. Her experience with female combat is probably a couple of "girl fights" she saw in High School or the time she and her sister had a hair-pulling match. As far as wrestling goes, the only thing she's really send may be professional wrestling on television.
If the conversation stops, let it drop. She may have to assimilate a few things now. She'll probably bring it up again soon enough because she realizes it's important to you or she may be intrigued by it. At the very least, however, it will be out in the open and you WILL feel a hell of a lot better. And she may very well be pleased that you told her because it's important to a woman to have her husband honestly reveal his intimate feelings to her. It demonstrates trust and the confidence that she will not be insensitive to what is, in fact, a vulnerable part of your psyche.
At some point, if she's asking lots of questions about what really happens, you may want to offer to watch a video together so she can see for herself. Pick one you like but that you feel won't scare or intimidate her... one that is representative of the kind of wrestling you think she might do. If she wants to watch the tape, do so together and then let it drop unless she pursues it immediately.
Now, you have to be a bit patient. Understand that fighting, for most women, is a deprogrammed act. It's not something we learn to do as kids nor is it something our society encourages us to do as adults. Quite the opposite. It is usually foreign and strange to us at first. She may even get a bit distant for a day or so or seem preoccupied. If so, talk about it. Ask her if it turns her off and get her to talk about the feelings.
For some couples, it stays there. Nothing much more is said. It's an accepted reality and not all that important to the relationship. For some, there is more talk, more videotape watching and the entire thing stays in the realm of fantasy but at least it's a shared fantasy.
In many cases, though, your mate may be intrigued. You've presented her with another option for her self-image. She may start thinking, could SHE do this? What would it feel like? How would it happen?
Answer any questions she poses being especially sensitive to the fear and intimidation any new experience, particularly one as vigorous and physical as this one, might have.
But, after a while, you should tell her you would love to watch her wrestle another woman - in fact, if you've fantasized about a particular one, level with her about it.
My first husband told me he had fantasized about me wrestling my sister (three years younger) in a bedroom. I couldn't stop laughing for a few minutes but, as I thought about it, I realized that it was entirely plausible. My sister was the only woman, up to that time, I had ever rough housed with and, as kids, we had gotten into a couple of pretty vigorous fights. I would feel comfortable with her. Would SHE do it? That was the thought pattern.
Anyway, it's now completely her call. If she takes you up on this, go for it. If not, at least the seed was planted and the air is clear.
I have an added caveat here: Never encourage your wife to fight someone she hates as her first match. In fact, if she brings it up, strongly discourage her and refuse to participate in it. Contrary to what's frequently said, especially on the Internet, a real fight is a horrible experience for women and I know NO women (including experienced combative women) who feel good about real brawls they may have gotten into. It's demeaning, ugly, chaotic, and potentially very dangerous.
So stay away from that option. Your woman should wrestle a friend or someone's she neutral about.
Support: setting it up, etc.
If your wife wants to wrestle, help her in any way she wants. Answer her questions about what YOU want. But try hard to keep the pressure off and try not to bud in too much. Let her make her contacts and bring you in at the appropriate moment. Let her take her time. Be patient.
You will definitely want to talk to the opponent and especially HER man before setting up a meeting. There's a phenomenon I diplomatically call the penis substitution in which the two guys start bragging about how tough their woman is and what she's going to do to the other guy's woman, etc. Stay away from this crap and monitor the other man for overly aggressive or anti-female attitudes. Does he sound like he loves his wife, for instance or does he refer to her in derogatory terms? Does he seem to have a hidden agenda? Does he suggest getting them together and tricking them into doing something they have not agreed on?
If any of this happens, tell your wife and suggest she decline the match. It's trouble, my friend. You should demand of the other man the same honesty and sensitivity you have shown. You'll find that the couples that will give you a good match will have these qualities in excess - that's why they are still together and doing this.
Paying for a Match
There are women who will wrestle your woman for a fee.
If she has no problem with it, this is absolutely acceptable and, for the first couple of matches, may be advisable. Paid wrestlers are skilled and experienced for the most part and they know how to conduct a match safely and sanely. They will usually be very supportive of your wife privately and will tailor their techniques to her skill level. These women are often world-class wrestlers. They have nothing to prove, have done this many many times and are usually interested in helping other women get involved. The match will be much better and your wife will emerge more confident and more knowledgeable. In any case, the discussions and preparations are about the same for paid wrestlers as for recreational opponents. The ladies will need to talk some things over and the paid wrestler may well insist on that before committing herself or even establishing a fee.
You should make sure the paid wrestler is about your wife's size, by the way. A much bigger opponent will be a huge downer for her. Many paid wrestlers won't even take such a match.
Take care of the payment privately with the other wrestler. Don't flash money around in front of your mate - it makes things a tad less comfortable usually.
Photos and Videos
Visual records of a match are fine and even enjoyable after a couple of matches but don't do them during the first match. It can be very intimidating for a woman to know that she is being recorded doing something she's unfamiliar with and unskilled at. How would you feel about someone shooting a video of you learning to do a new sport or to drive or to ski, etc.? All right then. Besides, the idea here is for her to continue doing it and, if she does, you'll have plenty of much better material on tape in the future.
After the match happens, you should immediately take some time to be alone with your wife and talk about it. Ask her how she felt, what she liked and disliked.
Tell her how much you enjoyed it (and you'll enjoy it, believe me) and thank her for giving you such a wonderful treat.
Let HER bring up the possibility of another match. If she doesn't, you should probably drop it for quite a while. Usually, she will say right out that she would like to do it again. Because, for most women I've met, the first match hooks them. They are now combative women and they have you to thank for that... you and the opponent they faced.
Then make sure you give that wonderful woman a huge hug, big kiss (and you know the rest). You both deserve it.